身不由己！

你有没有这种经验，觉得自己好像活在别人的世界，过着属于别人的生活，自己好像是人生的傀儡，有一种身不由己的感觉？人生就真的是那么的残忍吗？一旦走错了一步，就真的要赔上一生吗？站在十字路口时，发现自己原来有选择权，只是以前怎么都不知道？好像是一只老鹰被锁在一间小房间，不能飞得高，飞得远。是幻觉吗？还是想太多了呢？为什么会觉得好像快要失去自我了呢？好像一只失去了飞翔能力的老鹰，变成了一只小鹦鹉，只能在小房子里生活。人都会向往着能自由的飞翔。。。我也一样！

The God of giving!

God always amazes me!

I needed a digital piano, as the previous one has given up it's ghost. I researched for one on the internet, but came to a conclusion that I really couldn't afford to get any as they were too costly! There was a particular brand and model that I love, but it has since been a discontinued item - Yamaha P200! I would LOVE to have one! I love the sound, the touch of it so much, that I even offered to babysit the one in church, should there be any chance if they are getting a new one, ha ha! Than I took a bold step by asking God to bless me with a digital piano - doesn't matter which brand, which model, cos you know, beggars cant be choosers right?

In the midst of it, I also asked God to open doors for me, especially in the area of career advancement. Not long after I prayed, God answered!

First it was a call from my friend's aunt. She told me that the digital piano that she inherited from my friend is no longer in use, as her daughter has stopped playing on it, and is now sitting in the storeroom! She wanted to GIVE it to me, but told me that I needed to repair it, as it may no longer be working. Without any hesitation (I took it that it was from the Lord), I arranged to pick it up from her place. Once we reached home, I kept praying that it is not faulty, or at least not too damaged till the point of no repair. Then imagine the smile on my face when we first switched it on, and hearing the sound for the first time! Of cos it still needed a little bit of repair, but thank God because it's just a minor fault! Best part of it, it is a Yamaha P200! My dream piano!

Next came another surprise! One of my friend called me telling me that he has a business proposal. We sat down, talked about it, prayed about it and felt that we should go ahead with it! Guess what? I got another digital piano from there too! And just so happens that one of my friend's student wanted to let go her well-maintained Kurzweil piano at a very good rate! Everything seems to be so well co-ordinated! And as if that is not amazing enough, He opened the door for me to get a brand new laptop as well! How amazing can that be!

God is truly the God of giving! He blesses beyond what we can ask or even think of!

I learned that giving is not just an expression of love, it's an expression of giving of yourself! Thank you!

'God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?"' ~William A. Ward

'You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.' ~Author Unknown

'What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God.' ~Eleanor Powell

An opened door?

When a door is open for you, do you ever wonder whether is it from the Lord? Or do you still stick to what you've been doing all the while, knowing that you've always been asking for an open doors and now it's right before your eyes? How do you determine what is right or wrong for you? I know we're supposed to pray and ask God for answer and direction, but sometimes it's kind of a contradiction, because here we are, wanting a way out and praying about it, then seemingly the Lord opened the way but we ask, 'is that You Lord?'. Are we stubborn mules who refuse to move just because we're comfortable in the known, and uncomfortable in the unknown? Why is it that when we come to situations concerning our own self, everything becomes so magnified and decisions seem to be difficult to make? Who are you? What would you do?

Leave me alone!

Ever been discouraged before? Ever felt that things are just not going the right way? Ever wondered what is happening?

I'm not sure how it happened, but it did! Just didn't know what was going on, had the feeling that seemingly all these discouraging factors ganged up against me and all things good went on strike today! It was supposed to be a great day, much anticipation for the evening healing rally, after seeing so many miracles the night before! But what happened along the way? Why are people behaving so differently? So many 'whys' but so little answer.

I wanted to scream 'Leave me alone'. Suddenly. I just wanted to move away from the crowd, from everyone! I just wanted to be alone! But yet, I wanted someone to be with me, to lift me up, to encourage me, to love me, to affirm me, to assure me that I'm doing well, I'm doing what is right, I'm worth it!

Strange how humans can go through emotional roller coaster and yet, still wonders what went wrong! Haiz! Aren't we a funny bunch?

Who is going to be there for me? Who will lift me up, encourage me, love me, affirm me and assure me? Besides God, the Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, I don't know who else? We can't be always dependent on people, because human beings will fail us, but yet, we look to them for all our comfort needs!

Maybe it's because people disappoints us in so many ways that we start to take it personally. Haha!

Well, I will never be alone, because He is always with me! How true and incredible that actually is! He will always be with me!!!

无奈。。。不知所措。。。

Trying to express something for a friend (我似乎能体会你的感受）:
There were many occasions in life that we seemingly walked to a cross road junction and then realised that we do not know which way to go. Sometimes, we chose the wrong way, but there were times when we were lead by instincts and made the right decision. Most of the time, we're just lost, we're not sure which way to go

"I've just reached a particular point in life where I feel so confused, lost, but yet I knew exactly what was going on and what happened. It's such a complicated and mixed up feeling that I can't even put it down in words. It's like 我很享受你给我的温暖，关心，爱心和支持。环绕在你的身边是我最喜欢的一件事，喜欢看着你，喜欢听到你温柔的声音，喜欢你的味道，喜欢你的眼睛，期待你的来电，期待你会多看我一眼，期待你能天天陪着我，期待着你对我微笑。没有你我很难呼吸，没有你我会没有胃口，会不想起床。
可是，因为害怕，因为知道我们不会有结果，因为不知道你对我到底是什么感觉，为了不让自己受到伤害，为了不让你感到尴尬， 我必须让你走。为什么你要来挑动我的心呢？我该怎么办呢？
那，你还会继续待在我的身边吗？你会走过来吗？你会想我吗？"

But, which way to go? Cross road junction is not somewhere I wanna be, but once I've reached it, I'll have to learn to be responsible for any decision made!

What comes after the tears?

Regrets - many of us experienced that at different point of our lives. I just did! I didn't get to visit my cousin and say goodbye to him before he went home to be with the Lord.
As long as I can remember, growing up was always like 7 in e family, my parents, both my grandmas, my brother, me and my cousin! He stayed with us whenever he didn't have to travel, you see, he was a sailor. Childhood memories of him bringing us toys, clothings, accessories whenever he came back from a long trip always warm my heart. He loved music. In fact, it was because of his love of music that I started playing the piano. It all started when my mother and my uncle each bought a piano, even before I was conceived! Mum was hoping that after I was born, I would pick it up, as no one in the family was musically inclined, except my cousin Joseph. Whenever he was in town, piano practice became a chore! He would sit right next to me and forced me to practice. I remember the time when he wanted me to learn the song: The Maiden's Prayer, I cried, cos my fingers were not long enough to press all the octaves (I was only 9), so I had my neighbour to help me 'pull' and stretch my thumbs and pinkies apart everyday. Ouch! But the satisfaction was whenever I started playing the piano, my dad and cousin would close their eyes and enjoy the music! It was years later that I started loving music! And I have to thank my cousin for that! I am where I am today serving God because of this love of music! What a deep impact that was!
When we last visited him, he was already hallucinating, telling us that he was being locked and trapped inside the house. He wanted us to help him get out. But yet, he talked sense at times, especially everytime when we prayed for him. Before we left, he begged us to stay and keep him company. He told us he was lonely and afraid. He said he had no one beside him. His eyes were filled with plea. My heart ached! We had to leave!
What now? Now that he's gone? I wished I was there yesterday! I wished I knew he was going! I wished! But what now?
Well, after the natural process of grieving is over, we have to pick ourselves up and move on! Not that we want to forget him, but like one of my dear friend mentioned before,now we have to make everyday of our lives count! Making it worth! Making a difference! I want to impact someone else's life too, just like my cousin. At the end of the day, what would my life count for depends on how I live it now!

My Sister's Keeper - review

It's a little bit social and a little bit leukemia awareness.
I was very excited when I realised that there was going to be a movie on this popular novel by Jodi Picoult. The movie followed mostly closed to the original novel but added it's own twist at the end, I guess it was to make it more appealling to the movie-goers. Cameron Diaz played a very convincing role as a mother, one who would do anything to protect her child, although one wonders if one was in her shoes, would one have reacted the same way too? Conceiving another child for the sake of saving one seems a bit complex, intriguing and troubling. The climax of the movie started when Anna decided to sue her parents and wanted to have the legal rights to her own body as she was tired of always being put under the knife to help her sister. But it doesn't end there! Throughout the movie, you could see the inner struggles every family member went through as they learn to accept the different believes and opinions of each other. There were times of joy, sadness, pain, helplessness and even strength portrayed as the characters developed throughout the movie. The movie kept having flashbacks and one has to get used to and knowing when is the 'present' and when is the 'past'. On the whole, it was a good movie but not one that draws you emotionally and deeply. I would rate it as 3.5/5